To move or not to move?

The moment of truth is drawing nearer... Hubby has been to an interview in the UK, and as it looks now he’ll probably be offered a really good deal… Now, do we take the opportunity to move back, as I’ve been bitching about for nearly 2 years now? Even though I don’t like the place we’re in now, my worries considering a transfer are so many…
1) Have we gone too far in the metamorphosis of adaption to simply go back to our old life?
2) Will F be far behind in school and suffer major stress in catching up?
3) Will Fs friends still hang out with him or have they moved on?
4) Will it be too tough a change for E who is just now coming out of his shell socially and bonding to friends?
5) Will cheeky monkey P with ants in his pants be ok in the disciplined UK school or will he get into trouble, branding himself as a menace?
6) Will hubby have any energy left to enjoy family life or will work suck him dry and then some?

The grass is rarely greener on the other side, they say… Is this true? I know life in the UK is more interesting for ME. I’ll have all the opportunities I could ever wish for to develop and create a life for myself once the boys get older, and I’ll have lots of fun activities and a social life during the years I’ll be staying at home. The boys will also have greater opportunities over there, to be all that they can be when they grow up… Still, will we regret the move if we do it? They’re children NOW… They need their dad in their lives NOW… They need their friends and social networks NOW. We’ll never have these years back if we ruin them by going in over our heads… Our boys won’t get second chances of a happy childhood… If this chance had been given to us a year ago I would have jumped at it, no question about it. My fear is we might have been here for too long now, the biggest catch being I have gotten used to having my husband back, and the kids have gotten used to having their dad around. If I’ve learned something from life it is that all the places you live in for more than a year change who you are, without your taking notice of it, until you move that is… I suppose all that can be handled though. We know pretty well what kind of life we’ll be moving to. There will be an acclimatization process, but probably an easier one than we’ve experienced before because for the first time ever we would be “going back” to something we already know. To be plain and simple, what worries me the most is Hubbys work load. Will he ever be able to relax and enjoy spending time with the rest of us or will we just be in his way as he’s trying to keep his nose above the water with the work stress?

2012 is here

And so a new year has started... I don’t know what kind of magic I was expecting, but I know it didn’t happen. I’m sitting here in my dressing gown, having countless cups of coffee whilst wishing myself far away. Today is my last day off work. Tomorrow we go back to everyday life… and I don’t want to. I’m trying hard to find something to look forward to in between now and the summer holidays, but the days and weeks just stretch out before me like a dull gray fog… I draw up the major headlines for the term in my head, brain storm some activities and dig deep in my memory for lesson material. I’ll be ok at work I suppose, I know what I’m doing and the inspiration will come to help me along the way little by little one week at the time. It’s the rest of my time that’s the problem. What am I going to fill my spare time with? I need a life apart from work and the kids. I’m tired of being creative, tired of reading, tired of walking the same paths over and over and over again. I’m tired of not having a church to engage in and tired of trying to feed my mind all by myself. I need something to explore… places to go, things to see… The knowledge that everyday life will carry on and on and on, just as we know it now, with no interruptions or surprises is enough to make me climb the walls. Everyday life is like being stuck up to my eyeballs in a gray lukewarm porridge… It’s troublesome and sticky, slow and tasteless. It won’t drown me, just slow me down and keep me from doing anything but slowly walk my way through it as I do my best to keep my head above the surface. Sometimes it might even be quite pleasant to doze off and relax while this gray lukewarm mass envelopes my body and keeps me right where I am. There won’t be time or energy for anything but handling the porridge once I get in the muck. Now I’m standing there on the edge, looking at it thinking why get in there? Why not walk the other way? We all know I’ll get in there though, because I’m far too responsible to do anything else… and what is the option really? I prefer battling the porridge to endless days of nothingness… being a nobody, doing nothing, mattering to no one…

Christmas was good… just the boys and us. We didn’t do much apart from watching movies, wait for Santa and play with all the toys he brought. To be honest we haven’t done much else in two weeks now but sludge around the house. The weather has been crap, wet, gray and dull. Not much to do round here when the weather is bad. I’ve been bored out of my mind, yet too tired to plan any trips to the mainland. It stresses me though. Time off together used to be so valuable for us. We used to go so many places, explore and have fun together… Being cooped up in the house, bored and annoyed with each other instead isn’t what I want for us. It’s seems like such a waste of our lives. Hubby went to collect the kitten, as agreed, and she lightened up the boredom for a couple of days. She’s a truly wonderful little creature with a personality to kill for. We’re all very pleased with this new family member. Gizzmo wasn’t too chuffed at first though… in fact he was downright hostile towards her. His heart is slowly warming to her though. Now the both of them can sit in my lap at the same time without whole hell breaking loose. I’ve had some company besides the cats, a couple of chats and coffees with friends who’ve popped by, and they’ve been ever so welcome. Then we had friends over for New Years Eve. It was pleasant and the beginning of a deeper relationship I think. I hope so. Life’s that little bit more enjoyable with good friends around… The new year of 2012 is about to kick off, and I’ll have to go along with it whether I want to or not, so might as well make sure the company is good.

A day of contemplation

The yearly Christmas break down is here… It’s the same story every year. I look at my own children as their anticipation is rising. They’re so care free, healthy, loved, spoilt rotten, safe… We have been so blessed in every way. My thoughts go to all the children of this world who aren’t so fortunate… Children who will suffer yet another Christmas trauma due to adults drinking and fighting, children who have lost their parents, children living in poverty and misery, children who don’t have enough to eat or enough clothes to endure the cold, and pensioners who can’t afford to heat their houses for the winter, lonely people who’ve lost or maybe never had loved ones, run away teen agers looking for somewhere safe to sleep… I look at my boys and I think if it was them, would anyone in this world reach out and help them? As every year I have emptied my resources to do what I can to ease the suffering of this world… I’ve rummaged through every nook of this house hunting for warm clothing, ski suits, coats, boots, fleeces and other things there is a desperate need for out there. I’ve emptied the wardrobes and cupboards with the one simple rule in my head – If you’re not wearing it you don’t need it. It has all been sent off to an orphanage in Eastern Europe. I’ve spent what salary I have on gift cards and little gifts for people who need some encouragement and love. Yet it’s only a drop in the sea… There is a whole world out there in need, desperate physical need for food, shelter and clothing, as well as emotional need for someone to see them and break through the loneliness. But I’m here, tucked away on this safe island that is one of the richest areas in the world, waiting for my pig expensive kitten to arrive and they’re out there somewhere, waiting for a lifesaving reach out… That’s why I have this mini break down just before Christmas every year, because I have been so blessed and yet I manage give so little. I’m sure God has given me this pain and heart ache because he intends me to do something with it, but what? I’ll figure it out some day, but for now the evening of the 23rd of December is my time for contemplation and feelings of powerlessness… Tomorrow I’ll share in the joy as my children open their gifts, and we sit down by the table where there’s enough for everyone. Tomorrow is the day to rejoice and praise God for all that He has given.

enough of gossips, back to the chat rooms

And there goes the personal development that took place in England totally out the window... I’m back to living my life on line instead of IRL, back to the chat rooms and forums. In England I learned to open up to people around me and stay in what’s here and now, flesh and blood. I don’t get the social life I need here on the island, and I don’t want it either. It’s always risky to be true with who you are, your thoughts, opinions and believes in a small scale society, even more so when it’s such an isolated one. You never know who you can talk to and about what, without the gossip spreading all over town. There are so many “information vampires” out there, who suck every bit of information they can out of others, but don’t share anything about themselves or what goes on in their heads. This way of life suits my husband well, who’s reserved by nature. There’s no risk of him ever giving up any personal information, me and my blabber mouth on the other hand… And as I’ve already established I don’t care a tuppence about the “safe topics” people around me find important… Like gossip about other people and everyone they’re related to several generations back, growing your own food, harvesting your own food, cooking your own food, building your own house, knitting your own socks… I’m just amazed people of my age in this civilized world chose to live like my grandmother. Nope, I’m back to the chat rooms and forums for real discussions on what really matters in blessed anonymity. It’s a relief actually, to give up trying to create a social life that won’t be satisfying no matter how hard you try. I have a couple of friends IRL that I could probably trust with anything, but they’re part of the church we decided to leave… and they’re also very busy members of that church. I don’t see them much now as we’re not part of the same community anymore and their church activities and my work and kids come between. Also, our making the decision to leave the church has created a gap between us even though we all try hard not to let it… The fact that we have such strong opinions creates an uncertainty for those who still believe this church is on the right track and agree with the visions we have taken a stand against… Of course we’re making them uncomfortable, no matter how carefully we try to avoid it. Making friends and opening up to the people I have around me on every day basis, like colleagues, parents to the boys friends, neighbors… No, that’s just totally out of the question. My entertainment value is far too high I gather… The few issues and thoughts I have confided someone has been known by “everyone” in the blink of an eye. So from here on - Internet it is for anything that matters.

poorly and pondering

I’m up far too early... considering I’m off work poorly and Hubby will do all the dropping and picking up of kids. I’m worrying… The high temp won’t go away and the sore throat and ears are now accompanied by a really tough phlegmy cough. Not even much of a cough. The tough phlegm just sets in the airways… I recognize it as the kind that aims for your lungs… leading to asthmatic bronchitis or pneumonia. Thank goodness I’ve recently been to the doctor to have my checkups and new meds. Haven’t been for years, and had no meds at home, as my asthma hadn’t bothered me for at least 10 years… Until I started my new teaching job in August. Since then life has been a steady stream of infections. I’ve been poorly every other week, so I knew this situation would arise sooner or later. Even though nervously waiting to see if this gets bad enough to spoil Christmas I feel fairly safe. I have proper meds. The health care system round here is really good and accessible and they tend to take asthma seriously. My house is at a crawling distance from the hospitable should the need arise, and my husband is close at hand to take care of the boys. Of course I’ll be fine… But again I question my choice of profession. Is it wise to work with young children and all those germs they carry when you’re apparently so sensitive to infection? I spent a considerable proportion of my own childhood going in and out of hospitals… On the other hand these things should ease as you grow up. And grown up I am… Maybe it’s just my coming to a new environment with new bugs that’s the problem. In that case time will sort it out.

to go or not to go?

There’s at least one happening ahead that I’m looking forward to, we’re bringing a new kitten home in the days between Christmas and New Year ’s Eve… A sphynx girl this time. We’ve decided to name her Zelda. I think she’ll be a good company for Gizzmo on the days that I work. Now I’m trying to decide whether to send hubby to get her on his own in Sweden or go with the plan that we all go over and make an outing of it… a hotel night, some shopping, indoors playground… When you have time off school, nurseries and work life on this island is incredibly boring. Unless the weather is good so you can be outside there’s really nothing nada zit to do. Even then there are no decent play grounds or anything to keep the kids pre-occupied for more than 15 minutes… I suppose a trip to civilization could do us all some good… Although I hate going on the ferries. I find them very unpleasant and a total waste of time. I resent the fact I have to spend hours on them every time I want to go somewhere where we can have fun. The risk is instead of enjoying the time away I start fretting over the need for travelling and especially over going back to the island, which will make me all moody. If that’s the case it’s better to just stay here and be bored… Less waste of time and energy and less risk of a huge argument between hubby and myself and the stress that puts on the kids. I could just let them engage in videogames and telly all day long and read a few books or waste time on the internet myself.

Nothing to be excited about

I don’t know why I’m writing again... I’m not even sure I want to start up the blog anew. It’s not healthy to dwell within oneself and turn ones brain inside out the way you do in order to write. Although I’m not in a happy place as it is, so what does it matter?
We’re about to spend our second Christmas on this Finnish Island… We’ve now lived here for one year and ten months. All the pieces in the puzzle have come together. The three boys are adjusted and happy with their lives and social networks. The husband is enjoying his professional role and the peace and quiet. I now have a steady teaching position and some friends who are worth their weight in gold. Still I’m not happy. I simply can’t abide the island lifestyle, the peace and quiet that my husband values so highly makes me climb the walls in frustration. Being so cut off from the rest of the world depresses me. I’m not the right kind of person to be sat on an island, without prospects of development or impulses from outside of my own head. When I imagine living like this for 35 years or so (before old age makes your whereabouts insignificant) all I see is a wasted life, wasted prime time years. There’s nothing I look forward to, nothing I haven’t already seen on this island, and I’m never going to be anything but what I am right now. When we made the decision to stay here 10 months ago I thought there was at least the possibility of my having one last baby to stretch out the joys of motherhood for another few years, but when it all boiled down to cold truths that wasn’t the case. Any child you bring into this world deserves to be wanted by both its parents. My last baby wouldn’t be and I couldn’t live with that… So what am I going to do with myself? Since we left the church because it was heading onto a path we weren’t comfortable with I’ve lost what lifesaving energy outlet and feeding of the mind I had. What now? There are no other career options, no options of churches, no channels for spiritual growth, no channels for professional growth, nothing that catches my interest enough to make me WANT to engage… No nothing. The kids will grow up and I will do what? Exist until I die? Some days I have the voice of Dr Phil ringing in my head “I want you to get excited about your life!” he bellows. How??? I ask… What is there to get excited about? My life is nothing but a very slow, safe, comfortable, placid existence… No surprises or changes ahead… What’s exciting about it?