I don’t know why I’m writing again... I’m not even sure I want to start up the blog anew. It’s not healthy to dwell within oneself and turn ones brain inside out the way you do in order to write. Although I’m not in a happy place as it is, so what does it matter?
We’re about to spend our second Christmas on this Finnish Island… We’ve now lived here for one year and ten months. All the pieces in the puzzle have come together. The three boys are adjusted and happy with their lives and social networks. The husband is enjoying his professional role and the peace and quiet. I now have a steady teaching position and some friends who are worth their weight in gold. Still I’m not happy. I simply can’t abide the island lifestyle, the peace and quiet that my husband values so highly makes me climb the walls in frustration. Being so cut off from the rest of the world depresses me. I’m not the right kind of person to be sat on an island, without prospects of development or impulses from outside of my own head. When I imagine living like this for 35 years or so (before old age makes your whereabouts insignificant) all I see is a wasted life, wasted prime time years. There’s nothing I look forward to, nothing I haven’t already seen on this island, and I’m never going to be anything but what I am right now. When we made the decision to stay here 10 months ago I thought there was at least the possibility of my having one last baby to stretch out the joys of motherhood for another few years, but when it all boiled down to cold truths that wasn’t the case. Any child you bring into this world deserves to be wanted by both its parents. My last baby wouldn’t be and I couldn’t live with that… So what am I going to do with myself? Since we left the church because it was heading onto a path we weren’t comfortable with I’ve lost what lifesaving energy outlet and feeding of the mind I had. What now? There are no other career options, no options of churches, no channels for spiritual growth, no channels for professional growth, nothing that catches my interest enough to make me WANT to engage… No nothing. The kids will grow up and I will do what? Exist until I die? Some days I have the voice of Dr Phil ringing in my head “I want you to get excited about your life!” he bellows. How??? I ask… What is there to get excited about? My life is nothing but a very slow, safe, comfortable, placid existence… No surprises or changes ahead… What’s exciting about it?
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