A day of contemplation

The yearly Christmas break down is here… It’s the same story every year. I look at my own children as their anticipation is rising. They’re so care free, healthy, loved, spoilt rotten, safe… We have been so blessed in every way. My thoughts go to all the children of this world who aren’t so fortunate… Children who will suffer yet another Christmas trauma due to adults drinking and fighting, children who have lost their parents, children living in poverty and misery, children who don’t have enough to eat or enough clothes to endure the cold, and pensioners who can’t afford to heat their houses for the winter, lonely people who’ve lost or maybe never had loved ones, run away teen agers looking for somewhere safe to sleep… I look at my boys and I think if it was them, would anyone in this world reach out and help them? As every year I have emptied my resources to do what I can to ease the suffering of this world… I’ve rummaged through every nook of this house hunting for warm clothing, ski suits, coats, boots, fleeces and other things there is a desperate need for out there. I’ve emptied the wardrobes and cupboards with the one simple rule in my head – If you’re not wearing it you don’t need it. It has all been sent off to an orphanage in Eastern Europe. I’ve spent what salary I have on gift cards and little gifts for people who need some encouragement and love. Yet it’s only a drop in the sea… There is a whole world out there in need, desperate physical need for food, shelter and clothing, as well as emotional need for someone to see them and break through the loneliness. But I’m here, tucked away on this safe island that is one of the richest areas in the world, waiting for my pig expensive kitten to arrive and they’re out there somewhere, waiting for a lifesaving reach out… That’s why I have this mini break down just before Christmas every year, because I have been so blessed and yet I manage give so little. I’m sure God has given me this pain and heart ache because he intends me to do something with it, but what? I’ll figure it out some day, but for now the evening of the 23rd of December is my time for contemplation and feelings of powerlessness… Tomorrow I’ll share in the joy as my children open their gifts, and we sit down by the table where there’s enough for everyone. Tomorrow is the day to rejoice and praise God for all that He has given.

enough of gossips, back to the chat rooms

And there goes the personal development that took place in England totally out the window... I’m back to living my life on line instead of IRL, back to the chat rooms and forums. In England I learned to open up to people around me and stay in what’s here and now, flesh and blood. I don’t get the social life I need here on the island, and I don’t want it either. It’s always risky to be true with who you are, your thoughts, opinions and believes in a small scale society, even more so when it’s such an isolated one. You never know who you can talk to and about what, without the gossip spreading all over town. There are so many “information vampires” out there, who suck every bit of information they can out of others, but don’t share anything about themselves or what goes on in their heads. This way of life suits my husband well, who’s reserved by nature. There’s no risk of him ever giving up any personal information, me and my blabber mouth on the other hand… And as I’ve already established I don’t care a tuppence about the “safe topics” people around me find important… Like gossip about other people and everyone they’re related to several generations back, growing your own food, harvesting your own food, cooking your own food, building your own house, knitting your own socks… I’m just amazed people of my age in this civilized world chose to live like my grandmother. Nope, I’m back to the chat rooms and forums for real discussions on what really matters in blessed anonymity. It’s a relief actually, to give up trying to create a social life that won’t be satisfying no matter how hard you try. I have a couple of friends IRL that I could probably trust with anything, but they’re part of the church we decided to leave… and they’re also very busy members of that church. I don’t see them much now as we’re not part of the same community anymore and their church activities and my work and kids come between. Also, our making the decision to leave the church has created a gap between us even though we all try hard not to let it… The fact that we have such strong opinions creates an uncertainty for those who still believe this church is on the right track and agree with the visions we have taken a stand against… Of course we’re making them uncomfortable, no matter how carefully we try to avoid it. Making friends and opening up to the people I have around me on every day basis, like colleagues, parents to the boys friends, neighbors… No, that’s just totally out of the question. My entertainment value is far too high I gather… The few issues and thoughts I have confided someone has been known by “everyone” in the blink of an eye. So from here on - Internet it is for anything that matters.

poorly and pondering

I’m up far too early... considering I’m off work poorly and Hubby will do all the dropping and picking up of kids. I’m worrying… The high temp won’t go away and the sore throat and ears are now accompanied by a really tough phlegmy cough. Not even much of a cough. The tough phlegm just sets in the airways… I recognize it as the kind that aims for your lungs… leading to asthmatic bronchitis or pneumonia. Thank goodness I’ve recently been to the doctor to have my checkups and new meds. Haven’t been for years, and had no meds at home, as my asthma hadn’t bothered me for at least 10 years… Until I started my new teaching job in August. Since then life has been a steady stream of infections. I’ve been poorly every other week, so I knew this situation would arise sooner or later. Even though nervously waiting to see if this gets bad enough to spoil Christmas I feel fairly safe. I have proper meds. The health care system round here is really good and accessible and they tend to take asthma seriously. My house is at a crawling distance from the hospitable should the need arise, and my husband is close at hand to take care of the boys. Of course I’ll be fine… But again I question my choice of profession. Is it wise to work with young children and all those germs they carry when you’re apparently so sensitive to infection? I spent a considerable proportion of my own childhood going in and out of hospitals… On the other hand these things should ease as you grow up. And grown up I am… Maybe it’s just my coming to a new environment with new bugs that’s the problem. In that case time will sort it out.

to go or not to go?

There’s at least one happening ahead that I’m looking forward to, we’re bringing a new kitten home in the days between Christmas and New Year ’s Eve… A sphynx girl this time. We’ve decided to name her Zelda. I think she’ll be a good company for Gizzmo on the days that I work. Now I’m trying to decide whether to send hubby to get her on his own in Sweden or go with the plan that we all go over and make an outing of it… a hotel night, some shopping, indoors playground… When you have time off school, nurseries and work life on this island is incredibly boring. Unless the weather is good so you can be outside there’s really nothing nada zit to do. Even then there are no decent play grounds or anything to keep the kids pre-occupied for more than 15 minutes… I suppose a trip to civilization could do us all some good… Although I hate going on the ferries. I find them very unpleasant and a total waste of time. I resent the fact I have to spend hours on them every time I want to go somewhere where we can have fun. The risk is instead of enjoying the time away I start fretting over the need for travelling and especially over going back to the island, which will make me all moody. If that’s the case it’s better to just stay here and be bored… Less waste of time and energy and less risk of a huge argument between hubby and myself and the stress that puts on the kids. I could just let them engage in videogames and telly all day long and read a few books or waste time on the internet myself.

Nothing to be excited about

I don’t know why I’m writing again... I’m not even sure I want to start up the blog anew. It’s not healthy to dwell within oneself and turn ones brain inside out the way you do in order to write. Although I’m not in a happy place as it is, so what does it matter?
We’re about to spend our second Christmas on this Finnish Island… We’ve now lived here for one year and ten months. All the pieces in the puzzle have come together. The three boys are adjusted and happy with their lives and social networks. The husband is enjoying his professional role and the peace and quiet. I now have a steady teaching position and some friends who are worth their weight in gold. Still I’m not happy. I simply can’t abide the island lifestyle, the peace and quiet that my husband values so highly makes me climb the walls in frustration. Being so cut off from the rest of the world depresses me. I’m not the right kind of person to be sat on an island, without prospects of development or impulses from outside of my own head. When I imagine living like this for 35 years or so (before old age makes your whereabouts insignificant) all I see is a wasted life, wasted prime time years. There’s nothing I look forward to, nothing I haven’t already seen on this island, and I’m never going to be anything but what I am right now. When we made the decision to stay here 10 months ago I thought there was at least the possibility of my having one last baby to stretch out the joys of motherhood for another few years, but when it all boiled down to cold truths that wasn’t the case. Any child you bring into this world deserves to be wanted by both its parents. My last baby wouldn’t be and I couldn’t live with that… So what am I going to do with myself? Since we left the church because it was heading onto a path we weren’t comfortable with I’ve lost what lifesaving energy outlet and feeding of the mind I had. What now? There are no other career options, no options of churches, no channels for spiritual growth, no channels for professional growth, nothing that catches my interest enough to make me WANT to engage… No nothing. The kids will grow up and I will do what? Exist until I die? Some days I have the voice of Dr Phil ringing in my head “I want you to get excited about your life!” he bellows. How??? I ask… What is there to get excited about? My life is nothing but a very slow, safe, comfortable, placid existence… No surprises or changes ahead… What’s exciting about it?