2012 is here

And so a new year has started... I don’t know what kind of magic I was expecting, but I know it didn’t happen. I’m sitting here in my dressing gown, having countless cups of coffee whilst wishing myself far away. Today is my last day off work. Tomorrow we go back to everyday life… and I don’t want to. I’m trying hard to find something to look forward to in between now and the summer holidays, but the days and weeks just stretch out before me like a dull gray fog… I draw up the major headlines for the term in my head, brain storm some activities and dig deep in my memory for lesson material. I’ll be ok at work I suppose, I know what I’m doing and the inspiration will come to help me along the way little by little one week at the time. It’s the rest of my time that’s the problem. What am I going to fill my spare time with? I need a life apart from work and the kids. I’m tired of being creative, tired of reading, tired of walking the same paths over and over and over again. I’m tired of not having a church to engage in and tired of trying to feed my mind all by myself. I need something to explore… places to go, things to see… The knowledge that everyday life will carry on and on and on, just as we know it now, with no interruptions or surprises is enough to make me climb the walls. Everyday life is like being stuck up to my eyeballs in a gray lukewarm porridge… It’s troublesome and sticky, slow and tasteless. It won’t drown me, just slow me down and keep me from doing anything but slowly walk my way through it as I do my best to keep my head above the surface. Sometimes it might even be quite pleasant to doze off and relax while this gray lukewarm mass envelopes my body and keeps me right where I am. There won’t be time or energy for anything but handling the porridge once I get in the muck. Now I’m standing there on the edge, looking at it thinking why get in there? Why not walk the other way? We all know I’ll get in there though, because I’m far too responsible to do anything else… and what is the option really? I prefer battling the porridge to endless days of nothingness… being a nobody, doing nothing, mattering to no one…

Christmas was good… just the boys and us. We didn’t do much apart from watching movies, wait for Santa and play with all the toys he brought. To be honest we haven’t done much else in two weeks now but sludge around the house. The weather has been crap, wet, gray and dull. Not much to do round here when the weather is bad. I’ve been bored out of my mind, yet too tired to plan any trips to the mainland. It stresses me though. Time off together used to be so valuable for us. We used to go so many places, explore and have fun together… Being cooped up in the house, bored and annoyed with each other instead isn’t what I want for us. It’s seems like such a waste of our lives. Hubby went to collect the kitten, as agreed, and she lightened up the boredom for a couple of days. She’s a truly wonderful little creature with a personality to kill for. We’re all very pleased with this new family member. Gizzmo wasn’t too chuffed at first though… in fact he was downright hostile towards her. His heart is slowly warming to her though. Now the both of them can sit in my lap at the same time without whole hell breaking loose. I’ve had some company besides the cats, a couple of chats and coffees with friends who’ve popped by, and they’ve been ever so welcome. Then we had friends over for New Years Eve. It was pleasant and the beginning of a deeper relationship I think. I hope so. Life’s that little bit more enjoyable with good friends around… The new year of 2012 is about to kick off, and I’ll have to go along with it whether I want to or not, so might as well make sure the company is good.